Life. Faith. Jesus.

The following is an excerpt of a book I’ve recently been dabbling in. The book is “Questions That Matter: An Invitation To Philosophy,” written by ED. L. Miller, 1984 (page 177). This is a fantastic and hilarious crack at a philosophical skeptic.

The theme as presented by the book: “In his Sale of the Philosophers (about A.D. 175) Lucian pokes fun at some Greek philosophers under the guise of having them put up for sale at an auction. In the following (and concluding) passage[1], the Skeptic Purrho is clearly represented by Pyrrhias (“Coppernob”).

Zeus: Who’s left?

Hermes: This Skeptic here. Hey, Coppernob! Come here and be auctioned! Hurry up! Not many to sell you to; most of them are drifting off now. Still—any bids for this one?

Buyer: Yes, me. But tell me first, what do you know?

Pyrrhias: Nothing

Buyer: How do mean, nothing?

Pyrrhias: I don’t think there is anything at all.

Buyer: Aren’t we something?

Pyrrhias: I’m not even sure of that

Buyer: Nor even that you’re somebody?

Pyrrhias: I’m much more doubtful still about that.

Buyer: What a state to be in! Well, what’s the idea of these scales?

Pyrrhias: I weigh arguments in them. I balance them till they’re equal, and when I see they’re exactly alike and exactly the same weight, then—ah, then!—I don’t know which is the sounder.

Buyer: What are you good at apart from that?

Purrhias: Everything except catching a runaway slave.

Buyer: And why can’t you do that?

Pyrrhias: My good man, I can’t apprehend anything.[2]

Buyer: I don’t suppose you can. You seem slow and stupid. Well, what’s the end of your knowledge?

Pyrrhias: Ignorance, deafness, and blindness.

Buyer: You’ll be unable to see or hear, you say?

Pyrrhias: And unable to judge or feel either. No better than a worm, in fact.

Buyer: I must buy you for that. How much shall we say for him?

Hermes: One Attic mina.

Buyer: There you are. Well now, you—I’ve bought you, eh?

Pyrrhias: I’m not sure.

Buyer: Nonsense! I have bought you, and I’ve paid my money.

Pyrrhias: I defer judgment; I’m considering the matter.

Buyer: Look, you come with me—you’re my slave.

Pyrrhias: Who can tell whether what you say is true?

Buyer: The auctioneer can. My mina can. These people here can.

Pyrrhias: Is there anybody here?

Buyer: I’m going to put you on the treadmill, then. I’ll show you I’m boss—the hard way!

Pyrrhias: Suspend decision on it.

Hermes: Stop dillydallying, you, and go with him—he’s bought you. Gentlemen, we invite you to come tomorrow; we’ll be putting up ordinary people, workmen and tradesmen.

[1] Lucian, Sale of the Philosophers, in Selected Works, tr. Bryan P. Reardon (Indianapolis: Bobbs-Merrill, 19650, pp. 109-111.
[2] In Greek this involves a pun on the word katalambano, which means both “to seize” and “to understand.”

This is too funny.

— Jonathan J.