I remember growing up believing very strongly that God was real. I’ve always been taught that, and most of the people I knew believed he was real also. The difference was that our family seemed as though we could live pretty much however we wanted, so long as we had an appearance of morality, or at least talked the talk of believing in morals. Acknowledging God’s existence was enough for us. That put us a cut above our friends and most of society, so it seemed. This way, I could feel good about myself, as though I was better than others.

After many years of this self-sustaining life of moral goodness (or lack thereof), I was none the fuller. Still empty, I felt a strong sense of accountability for the way I’ve been living and giving myself over to many different kinds of idols. I worshiped them all, thinking they were going to deliver promises. In an unfortunate event, I learned that the only thing those idols delivered was death. What I mean is that every bit of joy or happiness I received in the moment I “worshiped” these idols (drugs, independence, sex, money) was gone—dead—the moment the pleasure they gave left. I was feasting upon death and starving more and more.

Enter Jesus.

I began searching out a church, thinking that if I just went to church my life wouldn’t feel so empty and going nowhere. This is not true, though. Church does not fill the void, Jesus does. And I realized this, which finally led me to get baptized in 2004 with my wife. It was in this moment that I drew the line in the sand and left my old life behind.

The consequence of that deciding moment was joy: immediate joy. I felt purpose: immediate purpose. I no longer felt like I needed to fill my life with things that didn’t ultimately matter in order to be happy. Jesus was enough. God was enough. “How could I ever had missed this,” I thought. I could not get over that overwhelming sense of love. Even still I am overwhelmed by it.

Apart from the way I used to think, things began to have real value. I felt like even I had a real purpose to my existence, and that I wasn’t just waiting to die. I was utterly floored in knowing now what I never did know before.

How could I have gone for so long unbelieving?

Truth became apparent, and that was a relief. I realized how much I needed the assurance of there being real objective truth in this universe. It’s like the child who acts as though he doesn’t want you to discipline them, but inwardly is begging for someone to show them love and teach them loving discipline. That was me. I mattered, and so did everyone else. And deep down, I wanted to be shown the truth.

Worship is really the motivation behind my life. It’s my life’s major theme. Understanding now that we were made as unceasing worshipers (worshiping God), it became clear that my continuous outpouring of worship could not be stopped. What I thought was only having fun and being independent was actually an attempt to fill my emptiness with things that were ultimately killing my joy and leaving me hopeless. You know you worship something when your life’s motivation is to make sure the things that are important to you take precedent above everything else. I became slaves to these things because I always returned to them hoping they would deliver something good, something that would last. They still left me empty.

Jesus changed all that.

I would have no reason to make this sort of thing up. Why else would I leave the life I was living if Jesus had not intervened? Why did I need Jesus when I had myself? It makes no sense for an atheist to become a Christian unless the sovereign grace of God is real; unless He infiltrates a person’s heart and reveals personal sin and the need of a Savior; unless Christ Himself overpowers the strong man ruling one’s heart, binds him, and casts him out. That’s how I know, in a personal way, that redemption is real. Yes, there are empirical evidences that lead to the existence of God, then on to the Scriptures, then how we can trust the Scriptures, and the death and resurrection of Christ. But this happened to me when I wasn’t looking for it. I didn’t happen to it, it happened to me.

Otherwise, we have ourselves and our own devices. But my life is proof that this does not deliver freedom, but only guilt and emptiness. That’s what happened to me, and now I’m so glad it did. I’ve never looked back since, and never will.



So tell me, does that make sense to you? Did some of the things I said resonate with you?

New here? Consider Subscribing via RSS feed. It’s the best and fastest way to get content!